- One or two? - Let me get three.
Three.
How you feelin’, Tracy?
Who’s Tracy?
Y’all do layaway?
What, do I look like a banker to you?
I’m just fucking with you.
What?
Aaah!
Yeah!
Boom!
Wow. That was a lot of love.
Yeah, thank you.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
We can get right to it.
Everybody in here know I got hit by that fucking Walmart truck.
Could’ve been worse.
I could’ve got hit by a Bob’s Discount Furniture truck.
You know they ain’t got no fucking money.
Driven by some dude named Rico. No license, no insurance.
No registration.
INS is on his ass.
When I was in that wheelchair, I still shopped at Walmart.
You still can’t beat their prices.
After my settlement, everything went up a penny.
I’m still here. I ain’t down. But you know I ain’t shit.
You know I ain’t shit.
’Cause you know that expression, "Only the good die young."
God seen them angels bringing me through the pearly gates, he said, "Uh-uh.
Take that motherfucker back down.
He gonna do the whole 89 years, the shit he did in the third grade.
Put a bag of doo-doo on the teacher’s desk.
Just because she failed him in Social Studies."
When I was in heaven, I seen some people that I know.
I seen Biggie Smalls. He looked good, lost weight.
Got that diabetes under control, you know?
Elvis Presley still look like a piece of shit.
Can’t leave that fried food alone.
Ol’ Dirty Bastard got ten new kids already.
Michael Jackson told me what really happened.
He said, "Tracy, I died in that fucking Pepsi commercial."
But the gravy train was so good they got a look-alike,
and that motherfucker went crazy.
Start dangling babies out of windows.
Namin’ ’em Blankets and Quilts.
Then he start telling me something about Latoya and Bubbles.
I said, "Michael, I don’t want to hear this.
Startin’ to come from a bad place."
I seen some people up there I didn’t like.
I seen one dude owed me money when he was alive.
I asked God, "How’d he get into heaven? He owe me money."
He said, "Your stupid ass is the one that lent it to him.
Everybody know Luther don’t pay back.
He’s a crackhead. He got a disease.
Now take your ass back down to earth and be smarter with your money."
And I said, "God works in mysterious ways."
He had questions for me too.
One day he pull out his cell phone and show me a picture
of Kim Kardashian naked on Instagram.
He said, "How’d she get those titties and that ass?
I ain’t give that to her.
And why is she showing it to the whole world?
She’s a married woman with two kids.
Oh, well. At least she don’t have Ray J’s dick in her."
When I was in that coma, y’all, I saw the white light.
I saw the white light. But I didn’t go to it ’cause I thought it was the police.
I got warrants, man.
You can’t get into heaven with priors.
Everything go down in the big book.
Everything.
After my coma, right, before the accident...
I could’ve swore it was three Kardashians, Kim, Khloé and Kourtney.
And after I came out of the coma, was six of them motherfuckers.
And one of them won a decathlon in 1976.
Was on a Wheaties box like this.
Caitlyn is a hot MILF. I’ll fuck the shit out of her.
Caitlyn can get this dick. I’ll fuck the shit out of her.
I’d get her ass pregnant.
You know I’m old school. I don’t be pulling out.
She might not have a pussy now, but when I’m done fucking her she will.
Prolapse the shit out of her booty hole.
This is Caitlyn’s butt right here.
She’ll have to go to the hospital wearing a kilt.
"Um, excuse me, my ass is hanging out of my ass."
"You mean you have hemorrhoids?"
"No, my ass is hanging out of my ass."
"Oh, you have colitis."
"No, my ass is hanging out of my ass!"
"What’s your name?" "Caitlyn."
"How do you spell that, with a ‘C’ or ‘K’?"
"Bruce, bitch!"
I suffered some terrible injuries, you know?
Traumatic brain injury.
Broke every bone in my face, my ribs.
I pulverized my femur.
And through all of that, I asked my doctor, I said,
"Is my dick okay?
I don’t need no thighbone, motherfucker. I need my dick."
That would be horrible if you came out of a coma and the doctor be like,
"Mr. Morgan, your penis was severed."
I’d be like, "Well, I’m going back in this coma, motherfucker.
Kill me, motherfucker. What the fuck am I doing alive?"
I’m suing everybody.
The hospital, the doctors, especially my wife.
’Cause she always called me a dickless son of a bitch.
Your dick is gone.
And you’re trying to be normal out here.
Goin’ to the club, trying to pick women up,
knowing you can’t do shit for ’em.
"Hey, what up, baby?
Why don’t you come to my house
so I can rug-burn and scissor the shit out of you.
We’re gonna start a campfire rubbing these coochies together.
Come on. Let’s rub on it.
Rub on.
Oh, rub on.
Oh, rub it."
I’m from the ghetto, man. I’m from the ghetto.
And after I came out from the coma, I was blind for a week.
And where I come from, you don’t want to be blind for a second.
All kind of shit start comin’ up missing in my hospital room.
One day my uncle was trying to walk out with my fucking heart monitor.
I said, "Michael, where you going with my heart machine?"
He said, "Oh. I was just holding it for you."
Tried to sell it to another hospital.
"Put my heart machine back, you fucking crackhead."
When I came out of the coma,
my whole family came to the hospital to visit me just to tell me they love me.
My whole family came just to tell me they love me.
Except for my grandmother.
Like every other old black woman, all she care about is education.
I’m like, "Grandma...
I made it.
I survived."
She said, "Good. Now you can go back and get your GED.
Do something with your damn self. You got a second chance."
I said, "But, Grandma, I was on 30 Rock."
She said, "If you had your GED, you’d have been on 60 Rock.
Go get your fucking GED.
Get your goddamn GED."
Now, she one of them old Southern women. Church and shit, you know?
So she prays all the time.
One morning I woke up, she was praying over me.
And I said, "Grandma, stop praying over me.
I already died and went to heaven and spoke to God."
She said, "What’d he say?"
I said, "God said, ‘Tell your grandmother to shut the fuck up!
Between her and Tim Tebow, I can’t get no fucking sleep.
The world is on fire and I’m too tired to put this shit out.
Jesus, turn that fucking music down.’"
She-She’s a Jehovah’s Witness. My grandmother’s a Jehovah’s Witness.
Yeah, I know. I know.
If you think it’s messed up when they pop up at your house at 8:00 in the morning,
it’s worse when they pop up at your hospital bed and your femur’s broke.
You can’t run from ’em.
You can’t curse ’em out. Can’t slam the door on their face.
Them fucking Watchtower magazines start piling up.
She come to my hospital room, I’m pretending I’m back in a coma.
"He’s moving." "No, I’m not."
In a fucking coma.
Then she starts singing them Negro spirituals.
Even at home, she’s singing this shit.
I said, "Grandma, stop it.
You’re not in a field picking cotton.
You’re at home in your kitchen making grilled cheese sandwiches
for your grandkids."
’Cause she was a Civil Rights activist.
One time, she even marched 30 miles
just to sit in a restaurant
and eat lunch with white people that hated her black ass.
So you know there was nothing I could do about getting her out of my hospital room.
Nothin’.
But it’s good to have relatives around you when you’re convalescing like that,
’cause they give you the strength and the motivation to get better.
Just so you get the fuck away from their ass again.
Y’all know your motivation when you first left home.
"I got to get the fuck away from y’all crazy motherfuckers.
I’ll do this on Thanksgiving and Christmas,
but I ain’t gonna do this on a day-to-day basis. No!"
The one I feared the most to come seeing me
was my Aunt Flossie.
’Cause she didn’t come see me ’cause she cared about me.
She just wanted to be in the middle of some family bullshit.
She’s that aunt that’s always in the middle of some family bullshit.
I knew she was in the hospital before she even came to my room
’cause I heard her voice in the waiting room.
"Who you calling a nigga?"
She was the most judgmental, mean-spirited person I know.
Like, she would sit in a chair in the corner of my hospital room
and judge everybody that came in the room to see me.
"Who the fuck is this bitch...
with these nylon stockings on and this tight dress?"
"Flossie, that’s my nurse."
"So? So? She look like a fucking chickenhead to me.
Cluck, cluck.
She ain’t got to be rubbin’ on you.
Rubbin’ your arm up and down, saying everything is gonna be all right.
Touchin’ on you. You a married man, Tracy.
She a ho.
She put the ‘ho’ in ho-spital."
Just judgmental.
My grandmother is 84 years old now.
When she was 72, she went back and got her GED.
And we were so proud of her.
We were so proud.
We threw a party for her and everything. A big party with the family.
She’s sittin’ in the corner, "That bitch still stupid."
"That’s your mother, Flossie."
"So? So?
Is she gonna go to college now?
How’s she gonna get there, the Underground Railroad?"
She’s just mean-spirited.
Nobody in my family’s like that.
She’s even mean to her husband, Bobby.
Bobby’s my favorite uncle. He’s a good man.
He’s a butcher. He just can’t read and write.
You know how she introduce him to people?
"Hi, this is my husband, Bobby. He limited."
Just to fuck with him, she would do sick shit, like on Christmas,
she’d make him put the kids’ toys together knowing he can’t read the instructions.
She’d go, "Hey, Bobby, put the kids’ toys together.
Watch this."
Bobby’s sitting there with the instructions struggling.
It was like watching a retarded person be executed.
As they strap ’em down to the gurney, he’d pop up and go, "See you tomorrow."
She was just too much.
But she had three older brothers.
My oldest uncle name is Marvin.
We called him Uncle Jailbird ’cause I didn’t know this motherfucker.
My whole life, he was in prison.
His last conviction,
he got arrested for stealing some kid’s iPod at a bus stop.
It wasn’t even an iPhone.
The judge gave him three extra years for stealing outdated technology.
Stupid motherfucker.
His first conviction,
he got arrested for trying to sell stolen cold cuts to prostitutes
at a truck stop on the New Jersey Turnpike.
He roll up on a truck and go, "What can I get for a turkey sandwich?"
"Shit, I ain’t sucking your dick for no lunch meat."
But selling all that pussy, you get hungry.
Before you know it, there was a line of prostitutes outside his truck.
"Can I get a salami sandwich?"
He roll the window down and go, "I knew you’d be back.
I knew you bitches be back."
The pimps ratted him out.
The prostitutes was too bloated to sell pussy,
from all the sodium from the cold cuts.
They ratted his ass out. "We gotta get him outta here.
Get him outta this parking lot. He got to go.
This is a truck stop, goddamn it. We sell good pussy here.
These girls work hard, goddamn it."
At his sentencing, a judge asked him,
"Where did you get the idea to sell stolen cold cuts to prostitutes
at a truck stop on the New Jersey Turnpike?"
This fool looks at the judge and go, "Hos gotta eat too."
But he was nervous for Flossie.
One time Flossie went to visit him on a visit, and he was real nervous.
He’s sittin’ there in the visiting room trying to make small talk with her.
Saying shit like...
"Thank God today’s Friday, right?"
She said, "In prison, every day is Friday for you, motherfucker.
There ain’t no Mondays or Tuesdays.
There’s just days where you get fucked in the ass,
and days where you don’t."
He start yelling at the guard, "Get me the fuck outta here!
This is abuse!"
And on the way walking back to his cell she yelled out,
"You better hope today’s your lucky day and you’re on top, motherfucker."
My family’s crazy.
Everybody in here got that dark side of their family they don’t fuck with.
She’s shakin’ her head. Yup, everybody here got a dark side.
They’re pieces of shit. They’re just related to you.
Y’all know who the fuck I’m talking about.
Y’all on your way to the house on Thanksgiving,
and your father’s driving the car and y’all in the backseat.
And he’s turning around to go, "We’re only staying for a half hour."
Them motherfuckers.
Y’all get there. Tryin’ to have a nice dinner, and their house is filthy.
Y’all eatin’ turkey and a roach crawl on the wall,
and your father go, "Goddamn it! Let’s go.
These motherfuckers are savages.
It smell like German shepherd and ass in here.
I wouldn’t drink bottled water with these motherfuckers.
And this chicken ain’t all the way dead.
Let’s fucking go."
It’s worse when they come to your house.
12:00 at night, one of your fucking cousins is knockin’ on the door.
Your mother go to the door with that nasty-ass nightgown on
that got a rip right here and you can see half her areola.
Big ass areola. Look like she dipped her titty in chocolate.
"Who is it?"
"It’s me, Jimmy."
"It’s Jimmy. It’s Jimmy. It’s Jimmy. It’s Jimmy."
Your father a big funky looking motherfucker.
Got on these dingy-ass Fruit of the Looms.
And he had surgery on his knee, so he got that big knee brace on.
And he get up and go to the door with a limp.
"Goddamn it, Jimmy.
You stole my fucking TV.
That was a nice 27-inch Zenith.
Call the police. Call the police."
That’s family.
My family is fucking bugged.
My family crazy.
My family is crazy.
I got a big family.
And at the front of the family is a lot of elderly people,
and they’re startin’ to die off.
And ’cause of my settlement,
they think I’m supposed to pay for everybody’s funeral.
And that shit get expensive.
I had to sit them motherfuckers down and go, "Wait a minute.
Some of you niggas gonna have to be cremated.
And that’s without a box.
Just slide your ass in like some pizza.
If you want to go in the ground, I’ll buy one huge-ass coffin
and rent a deep freezer,
and whoever die that year, every December goes in the ground.
And if you don’t like it, I’ll put fire to your ass.
Hey, I understand the whole Black Lives Matter,
but you niggas would be dead.
And you niggas won’t matter."
They crazy.
I got a bunch of aunts that had babies by deadbeat motherfuckers.
All them fucking kids.
And they think I’m supposed to put all their kids in fucking college.
You fucked for ’em. You made ’em.
You pay their tuition.
I’m all for higher learning.
But this is not the United Niggas College Fund.
If the motherfucker can’t play basketball or run a 4.3 in a 40, he’s fucked.
Don’t be mad. UPS is hiring.
When I came out the coma, I got deep.
I wanted to learn who I was, where I’m from.
So I went online and got that ancestry.com shit.
The results just came back last week. You know, the chart says
25% Native American, 25% African American, 10% Irish.
My whole chart just said "Nigga from Brooklyn."
Hey.
I come from a long line of niggas from Brooklyn.
I’m from the projects.
For all you white people here that don’t know what that is,
you remember that movie The Lion King?
When Mufasa was talking to Simba, and he said,
"Everything the light touches belongs to us."
And Simba said, "What’s that dark area?"
He said, "That’s the projects, nigga.
You don’t go over there, motherfucker. Keep your ass over here on Pride Rock.
You understand me?
That’s where the pit bulls and Latin Kings be.
Your Uncle Scar’s a Latin King.
That’s how he got that cut on his head.
Keep your ass over here on Pride Rock."
I’m from the ghetto, man. The ghetto’s crazy.
Motherfuckers don’t even have normal names there no more.
Ever since that Five-Percent of religion came,
motherfuckers changed their names to names that don’t even fit their personality.
Like I know a dude named Knowledge, don’t know shit.
Motherfucker named Universe who never left the neighborhood.
I know one motherfucker named Unique, got an identical twin brother.
Crazy motherfucker.
When I was in the hospital, all my friends from Brooklyn called me, man.
Well, Jay Z called me.
- Chris Rock called me. - We love you, Tracy!
And I love you too.
Let me see your titty now.
Like I was saying, all my friends from Brooklyn called, you know?
All my friends from Brooklyn called. Jay Z called. Chris Rock called.
Eddie Murphy called. Mike Tyson called.
Yeah, Mike. Mike called me. He said, "Tracy."
I said, "Who the fuck is this?" He said, "Me, Mike Tyson.
When you come home from the hospital, I’m gonna come visit you.
We can fly pigeons and get matching face tattoos."
I said, "No, you’re not coming to my house, Mike.
My brain is already messed up. I don’t need your crazy rubbin’ off on me.
I got hit by a truck, nigga. I ain’t stupid."
When I came out of the coma, I was behaving erratically.
I was acting really erratically. And the doctors told my wife,
"Mrs. Morgan, that’s the brain trauma."
And my wife looked at the doctors and said, "Nah.
Nah.
That nigga always been crazy."
"I was hoping the accident was going to fix his crazy brain."
Like an old TV where you can’t get the picture to work. Goddamn, come on.
Archie Bunker’s comin’ on.
♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪
My brain was really messed up, man. It was really messed up, man.
I remember coming out of the coma, had this Donna Summer song in my head.
For some reason, I got this Donna Summer song in my head, man.
But I couldn’t remember the words. All day, just singing this fucking Donna...
♪ On the radio ♪
All day, just singing this shit.
♪ On the radio ♪
I couldn’t remember the words and it scared the shit out of me.
I said to myself, if I can’t remember the words to this, or simple shit,
they ain’t gonna never let me out of this hospital.
All day long.
♪ On the radio ♪
And then it dawned on me.
I never knew the fucking words to the song!
I don’t think Donna Summer knew the words to the song, and she wrote the song.
I tell you though, man,
when I was in the hospital, I masturbated constantly.
That’s all I did all day long was beat on this dick.
That was the only part of my body that worked.
This dick got beat upon.
I beat this dick like he owed me money.
Give me my shit back.
My dick put a restraining order out on my right hand.
I tore my rotator cuff on my left arm beatin’ on this dick.
Had to get Tommy John surgery.
One day, the heart machine went off. The nurses came running in.
I was in there beatin’ off.
They said somebody need to teach that motherfucker solitaire or something.
Crossword puzzles or something.
I did physical therapy.
Did physical therapy. I kept my physical therapist close to me.
’Cause me and my wife planned on getting married when things settled.
I wanted to walk my wife down the aisle.
Without a crutch. Without a cane.
So I kept her near me. But when she came to my house for the first time,
the physical therapist, I opened the door and I was like, "Whoa."
This white woman was 6’1".
Blue eyes, blonde hair. And I never seen a white woman with a booty like this.
Yeah. Huge, nice, fat, small waist.
Look like she swallowed a young black girl from Harlem.
Damn.
An amazon. Can I get my on?
Ah, man, she was beautiful. I mean, I remember one time...
one time she bent over in front of me, I seen, like, five inches of butt crack.
And it was beautiful. It was like watching a sunset.
I felt like I should’ve been laying in a hammock,
sippin’ on a piña colada.
Beautiful sight to behold.
Beautiful butt. It would inspire young black males to stay in school.
One day I had a wardrobe malfunction and my dick had popped out.
And the mouth on my dick was grinning at her.
Then it started singing to her.
♪ On the radio ♪
And she would work me out.
This woman really worked me out.
She was dedicated to gettin’ me on my feet.
She worked me out sittin’ between my legs and stretching me out.
And rubbed my muscles and relaxed my muscles.
And I would look at her.
And I started to fall in love with her.
I started to have feelings for her.
But it wasn’t true. It was just a syndrome.
It’s called the Florence Nightingale syndrome.
True story. Florence Nightingale was a nurse in the Crimean War in the 1800s.
She would nurse all the wounded soldiers back together,
and they would fall in love with her.
And that happened to me.
And then one day my wife saw that shit.
She said, "What the fuck is going on?
And why is your dick singing ‘On the Radio’ to her?"
I said, "No, baby. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry. I don’t love her. I love you.
I didn’t mean it. I love you.
It’s just a syndrome. It’s called the Florence Nightingale syndrome."
She said, "Yeah, motherfucker, guess what. I got a syndrome too.
It’s called the Big Dick Mailman syndrome.
And the Pussy-eatin’ Pool Cleaner syndrome."
I said, "You have dual syndromes?
Can I watch?"
My speech therapist was a good woman. She helped me out, helped my life out.
You know, I kept her close to me because
I wanted to recite the vows to my wife at our wedding correctly.
I wanted to say "I do," and not "Fuck you."
So she worked really closely with me.
And because of the brain trauma, some days were dark, and some days were okay.
I remember one day, she came over on a dark day,
and she said, "Mr. Morgan, I would like for you
to repeat after me, okay?
Say, ‘The man is on the corner.’ Okay? Say that.
‘The man is on the corner.’"
And I said, "The man is on the corner."
She said, "No. Say, ‘The man’"...
I said, "Bitch, that’s how I talk.
Everybody can see that man on the fucking corner.
Don’t talk to me about that fucking man on the corner.
He got a green jacket? That’s my Uncle Marvin on that fucking corner.
He’s selling stolen cold cuts on that fucking corner."
And she see that she hurt me.
She said, "Mr. Morgan, are you okay?" I said, "I’m a’ight."
She said, "No, say, I’m"...
I said, "Bitch, I told you that’s how I talk."
Then I see that I hurt her.
And I said, "Are you okay?"
She said, "I’m a’ight."
I said, "This bitch playing with my head now.
She trying to get in my head and live rent free, goddamn it.
Okay, you win.
The man is on the corner."
You know what was cool? When I was in my wheelchair.
My daughter was 14 months old, and I got to see her take her first steps.
And that right there...
Yeah, thank you.
I got to see that.
That’s important to a man.
That inspired me to get out of my wheelchair, and I took my first steps.
So now, me and my daughter walk hand in hand for life.
’Cause we learned how to walk at the same time.
That’s magic.
Magic.
I’ll never forget it.
I remember, one night me and my wife, Megan,
we saw her running down the hallway,
for the first time in her shitty doo-doo Pamper.
I started running down the hallway in my shitty doo-doo Pamper,
tryin’ to catch her little ass.
"Come here, goddamn it."
Then it got competitive with me and my daughter.
One day I seen her breast-feeding with my wife.
I said, "Damn, she suck titty better than me."
I took her technique because I love me some titty milk.
Titty milk and Splenda.
I gotta watch my carbs, you know?
Ben & Jerry’s should make that a new flavor.
Could I get two scoops of Titty Milk and Splenda?
No, just put it in a little cup.
I don’t want a waffle cone. Just a little cup. Titty Milk and Splenda. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I miss y’all.
I miss doing this.
I really miss y’all. I love you.
Whoa, it was... scary.
I knew when I was ready to come back.
’Cause my wife, my rock, stopped pitying me.
That’s when I knew.
’Cause when the accident happened, you know, I got depressed,
you know, watching my friends, like Tina Fey, Kevin Hart,
all those people doing what I love to do.
I started eating a lot of comfort food.
And I put on a lot of pounds.
And then one day my wife just got fed up and was looking at me
laying on the couch like a beached whale.
With disgust.
It was like she was counting the stretch marks, you know?
And she said, "Why don’t you get off the couch
and go to the comedy club and do some comedy,
you big-gut, shitty, Pamper-wearin’ motherfucker?"
And I jumped up and said, "I’m back!"
Whoo!
’Cause let me tell you something, man.
Let me tell you guys something.
You’re nothing. I don’t care who you think you are,
how special you think you are, how much money and pretty and looks.
You nothing without your health.
Take it from me, man.
Let’s not take it for granted.
You gotta take care of yourself, know what I’m saying?
Look at Tiger Woods, the greatest golfer in the world.
Four back surgeries later, he’s just a normal nigga like me.
I mean, the blackest thing Tiger Woods ever did
was suck at golf.
Y’all can handle the nigga now.
I just can’t believe, like, at the height of his career he denied being black.
I’m like, "Tiger, your dad’s name is Earl Woods."
"Every Earl Woods I know is black.
And he drive a white van.
He sell fish out the back of that van.
And he’s fucking my aunt.
Tiger, you got two little half brothers up in Harlem.
You need to go see ’em.
Rodney and Darius."
Tiger Woods went downhill when he started cheatin’ on his wife.
Only little boys do that.
You got a good rider, a good woman with you by your side,
you don’t cheat on her.
You got a good woman by your side. And what I’m saying in essence, fellas,
don’t go chasing waterfalls.
Please stick to the rivers and the lakes you’re used to.
Chasing them young girls out there.
One of them young girls gonna give you herpes in your mouth.
And everybody at CVS know what that cream is for.
You don’t wanna be that dude in your 50s sittin’ in that free clinic
with them young motherfuckers.
Just sittin’ there.
"Excuse me. Are you the doctor?"
"No, I got clap. I’m next."
"What is clap?"
"Old school VD."
"After we get our shots, could you buy me and my friends a case of beer?"
"You gonna get me some young bitches?"
That’s arrested development. You gotta grow the fuck up.
Yeah!
You do!
Can’t keep doing the shit you were doing when you was 18.
I was watching Couples Therapy the other day.
They have Flavor Flav on there.
Flavor Flav is 62 years old.
I’m not calling no 62-year-old man Flavor Flav.
What is your real name? Derek?
And take that clock off, goddamn it.
Arrested development.
He had a hat on to the side with reading glasses on.
When you have reading glasses on,
it’s time to turn the brim around to the front
and become a real Padres fan.
And put a belt on, goddamn it.
Them young sags out there.
That’s why I don’t go to strip clubs no more.
That’s arrested development.
I don’t go to strip clubs no more.
I just got tired of fighting with them bitches
on how many songs I paid for on the lap dance.
I said three songs.
Mixtapes don’t count.
I just got tired of them bitches recognizing me in the street
while I’m with my wife and kids.
"Hi, Tracy.
It’s me Janet, aka Cinnamon."
"Damn it, Cinnamon! I said don’t talk to me
unless we’re in the Boom Boom Room."
You don’t want to be the old man bringing flowers on Valentine’s Day.
At the strip club. You don’t want to be that.
"Hi, Cinnamon. These are for you."
"Oh, these are so nice. Could you set these in that water over there
while I lap-dance this guy till he comes in his pants?"
Arrested development. Women, y’all got arrested development too.
Me and my wife went to a wedding two weeks ago.
And when you get to a certain age, this is dancing.
Two-steppin’.
That’s all you gotta do...
is one move.
Stomach out. Stomach in.
That’s all you gotta do.
We was dancing next to this 50-year-old woman,
and this bitch start doing all this Ciara shit.
And I was still smiling. But in my mind, I was saying,
"If this bitch kick me in the femur...
I’m gonna knock her the fuck out."
Just keep the beat, you big bitch.
Arrested development.
Madonna has arrested development too.
You seen all the plastic surgeries she had trying to look like a young girl?
I like saggy mom titties.
I like that.
You breast-fed two kids with them titties.
They’ve earned the right to relax.
Titties all the way down by her C-section scar.
The nipples and pussy is this far away.
As far as I’m concerned,
ain’t nothing better than eating pussy and sucking titties at the same time.
Women, don’t be ashamed of your bodies.
Don’t be ashamed.
My first love was 300 pounds.
In the ghetto. And that was Big Mertis. 300 pounds.
That was my baby girl.
Me and her go back to the fourth grade. She was 250 then.
I loved Big Mertis. She was the first girl I ever fucked naked.
You know? ’Cause when you’re in high school,
you pull your pants down to your knees when you fuck...
in case somebody coming up the stairs.
You can pull your shit back up.
She let me fuck her naked.
’Cause her mother worked at night.
So I would go up there and fuck her for ten minutes,
then sleep for two hours, just like I do now.
I remember one time, I was tearing that pussy up.
And she said, "Tracy, I want you to pick me up and fuck me on the wall."
I said, "Bitch, you’re 300 pounds.
You know I got that scoliosis in my spine.
You gotta pick me up and fuck me on the wall."
And she did!
She fucked the shit out of me on the wall.
And she cured my scoliosis.
Thank God it was a weight-bearing wall.
That was my baby girl. She broke my heart.
Broke my heart. Shattered my shit.
’Cause I didn’t know everybody in the hood was fucking her.
Everybody was fucking her. I found that out the hard way.
One time I had her doggy style, tearin’ up...
"Who pussy is this? Who pussy is this?"
And she turned around and said, "You mean right now?
Well, it’s yours right now, but in ten minutes when Derek comes,
it’s gonna be his.
But go ahead and knock yourself out. Goddamn it, knock yourself out.
Go knock yourself out."
Pattin’ that booty. "Go and knock yourself out."
I love everything about a woman’s body.
I donk everything. I love everything.
I like making love to women who got C-section scars.
And I ain’t talking about that little slit there.
I’m talking about the old-school shit.
Old school. Her stomach look like that cut on Frankenstein’s forehead.
"Friend."
Just got married.
Just got married again.
This is my second marriage. This one gotta work.
I fucked that first marriage up.
I fucked it up.
This one gotta work.
Know how much alimony and child support that’d be.
I would have to get hit by a second Walmart truck.
And a Doritos truck.
And a FedEx plane.
Heard you could make a quiet 20 million off a FedEx plane.
If you survive with all your faculties and limbs and shit.
That’d be messed up if you was just a torso and a head.
Your friend carry you around in a Gucci bag on his back.
"Yo, take me to the beach, man. Put me where the bitches be.
If it get too hot, I’m gonna go, ‘Ooh!’ That mean come get me."
You’re just a torso with a chinchilla on.
Y’all will know if I ever go broke. Y’all hear about me.
Ridin’ on the turnpike, dressed in all black on a ten-speed.
"There goes that news van again."
I fucked that first marriage up, man.
I fucked it up, man.
Just too much drinking.
Too much drinking.
I remember my first DUI.
The cop gave me a line test and I kept stepping on his shoe.
And I said, "Move your foot, motherfucker!"
He didn’t think that was funny. He took my black ass to jail.
My second DUI, they didn’t even give me a Breathalyzer.
I just sat in the backseat my goddamn self.
I know how much I drank.
I had two Long Island Iced Teas and three Incredible Hulks.
Let’s go.
I read myself my own Miranda rights. You have the right to remain...
Then I waived them.
Then I beat the shit out of myself just for being black.
They made me go to AA meetings. That shit was depressing.
One motherfucker stood up at the meeting and said,
"Alcohol made me burn my house down."
Another fucker stood up and said, "Alcohol made me want to kill myself."
I stood up and said, "You motherfuckers are a bunch of liars.
That wasn’t alcohol. That was crack."
Alcohol don’t do that to you. When I’m drunk at the club,
all I wanna do is pull my dick out on the dance floor and sing.
♪ She came from somewhere back In her long ago ♪
♪ She had a place in his life ♪
They made me do community service.
But the fucked-up thing about that, nobody wanted me in their community.
They want to see you on TV.
Don’t want to see your black ass in nobody’s backyard...
peein’ in their shrubs.
"Who’s that in Jim’s backyard peeing in the shrubs drinkin’ a 40?"
"That’s Tracy Morgan from Saturday Night Live."
"If the nigga pee in these shrubs,
that’s gonna be Tracy Morgan from Saturday Night Dead."
My wife is strong. She’s a strong woman.
She showed me her strength. She’s strong.
As a woman, you would have to be strong
to have a motherfucker with a face like this on top of you.
I look like a cross between Wesley Snipes and Biz Markie.
I remember the first time I had sex with my wife after the accident.
I came hard.
I mean, I came hard. Like in high school.
I came hard.
Remember in high school, you’d come hard and shit?
I had a William Tell dick.
I could knock an apple off your head from right here.
Remember in high school, your dick got hard... that high school hard-on?
You could break brick with that dick, goddamn it.
But when you get in your 40s and 50s, you’re playing semipro now.
She gotta suck your dick for two hours just to get you semi-hard.
Her nose start bleeding, mascara running.
She gotta dislocate her jaw like a boa constrictor.
"You need help."
And, ladies, when you’re making love, spit on his dick. Spit on it.
Spit on that dick. I love when a woman spit on my...
Spit on it like you hate it.
Call it a racial slur. "You Czechoslovakian son of a"...
Goddamn it.
Spit on that fuckin’ dick.
"You Ecuadorean mother"...
"You Mexican immigrant puto"...
Please, spit on that dick, goddamn it.
Spit on that fucking dick.
I’m an older man now. So being intimate with my wife now, you know,
is different, you know.
Before sex, I gotta pull out a black tool bag.
Inside the bag is a Zorro mask...
a vibrator, some spare batteries and an apology letter.
"What’s the apology letter for?"
"You’ll see.
You’ll see."
I don’t care who you are here. If you’re a couple, keep fucking.
You got to. Keep your relationship hot.
’Cause if y’all live together and y’all not fucking no more,
y’all are nothing but roommates.
Don’t let her start that headache shit. ’Cause they always start with that.
"I got a headache."
"Yeah, well, you’re gonna have a headache with this dick up in you, goddamn it.
I drive that truck all week. I spend good money in here, goddamn it."
Fuck all that headache shit.
"You need a Bufferin, goddamn it?
You need a Bufferin?"
You gotta keep it hot.
I don’t care if you’re 90 years old. You stick that foreskin up in her.
I don’t care if you got one hump left. Goddamn it, here.
With a bunch of foreskin.
Gotta keep it hot.
Foreplay is not just before sex.
Foreplay is all day long.
You let her know I’m still attracted to your anatomy.
When she in the kitchen cooking for you and the kids,
go in there and squeeze her booty.
"Go ahead now, Robert.
You see these damn kids here. You better go ahead now."
When you’re driving in the car, pull her titty out at a red light.
"You better stop it! I’m not playing with you.
I ain’t playin’."
And, fellas, when you’re making love to your wife, take your fucking socks off.
Ladies, if he don’t take his socks off, that’s not love.
That’s just two ships passing in the night.
My wife is 18 years younger than me.
Okay, my wife is 18 years younger than me.
Sometimes... Sometimes the age difference can be a little difficult.
Like we had an argument the other night, and I told her,
"Listen, I’m a 47-year-old man.
I’m not gonna sit here with you all night and argue about Beyoncé."
She said, "But Beyoncé and Jay Z is show business royalty."
I said, "Let me tell you something. Jay Z just got hit by Solange.
I got hit by a Walmart truck."
I’m madly in love with her, man. That’s my baby.
My wife. I’m madly in love with her, man.
But when you got a beautiful young wife like that you’re married to,
and you’re madly in love with her,
it puts you at a disadvantage in the relationship.
’Cause you ain’t gonna never leave.
You ain’t gonna never leave her. Never.
You talk your shit like you will, but you ain’t.
And she know it.
I told my wife the other day, "Let me tell you something.
You keep treating me the way you treat me,
one morning you gonna wake up,
and I’m gonna be sittin’ right there, goddamn it.
That black medical bag and your cappuccino.
Right there. I ain’t going nowhere.
I ain’t going nowhere."
They ain’t going nowhere.
My wife is beautiful. She’s half white and half black.
There’s up sides to that and down sides to that, you know?
’Cause she use the nigga word with me, I don’t know what side called me a nigga.
If the black side of her called me a nigga, cool.
But if the white side of her called me a nigga, we got a fucking problem.
You gonna make me say, "Don’t call me a nigga, you cracker bitch!
You honky whore."
’Cause when I’m fighting with my wife, I hope I’m arguing with the white side,
’cause white women don’t curse you out and insult your genitalia.
In an argument, a white woman will listen to you...
and then she’ll huff,
and then she’ll walk to her room and call her lawyer.
I mean, where you think that term "irreconcilable differences" come from?
It didn’t come from a black woman.
For a black woman, every difference is reconcilable,
long as she got a knife and a fucking rolling pin.
’Cause we live in a very affluent neighborhood now.
So when we argue...
we don’t yell no more because there’s an echo in the suburbs.
And that shit reverberates all the way around the block.
"Motherfucker! Motherfucker. Motherfucker. Motherfucker.
Motherfucker. Motherfucker...
Oh, shit! Somebody in our house."
But in the ghetto, ain’t no echo.
There’s just a bunch of motherfuckers yelling at each other.
And if you think somebody in your house, somebody’s in your house.
Now I forgave the driver. I forgave that driver that hit me.
I’m not even mad at him.
But I’ll tell you who is mad at him. All my white neighbors.
"Now if you ain’t never hit this nigga, he wouldn’t be livin’ next to me!
I got daughters.
Group of biracial motherfuckers runnin’ around here."
You know, God gave me a second chance.
And I wanted to do better.
I wanted to do better.
Especially on my marriage. Like my wife, I love my wife.
She call me on my shit.
She said, "Tracy, let me tell you something, man.
It’s all right to be an asshole, but don’t become a piece of shit."
’Cause there is a difference between an asshole and a piece of shit.
Asshole will ruin your summer. Piece of shit will ruin your 20s.
Asshole will call you fat.
A piece of shit will sell your diabetes medicine for Powerball tickets.
Just trying to control my emotions now.
When my wife yell at me, I don’t yell back.
I just go to my side of the house and I mutter.
Sometimes I fuck up and I say the word "bitch" too loud.
Her black side heard that. "Who the fuck is you calling a bitch?
You want this rolling pin up aside your head again?"
Then I huff, and I walk to my room and call my lawyer.
I’m a jealous guy, man.
I don’t mean to be with my wife,
but I’m probably gonna be jealous in the afterlife.
In the afterlife... I told my wife the other day,
you know, "If I should leave this earth before you, God forbid...
you better sit on that pussy for two years.
Show your damn love. If you wanna go to other women, cool.
I’m a ghost. I’ll be haunting you. I might want some girl-on-girl action.
But if you give it to another man, I’m gonna put my ghost foot in his ass.
And if that don’t work, I’m gonna use a cell phone or a candlestick, goddamn it."
I’m serious, man.
You give that shit up too soon, you be ridin’ the next motherfucker,
and I’ll knock a picture off the wall.
"He’s here!"
"Who the fuck is here?
You better ride this dick, goddamn it. I drive that truck all week.
I spend good money in here."
Let me tell y’all something, man. When it’s my time to go back to heaven,
I’m ready.
I won’t be scared.
I’m ready.
I’ll be all right.
I met God. He’s cool.
You know, he’s a hard ass, but that’s only ’cause he’s Old Testament.
Old Testament.
You know, Jesus was cool.
I was up there partying with Jesus. He cool.
’Cause he New Testament.
You know what kind of guy Jesus is?
Jesus is that guy that was always at the party
and he always brought the good reefer.
They didn’t call it weed yet. They called it reefer.
And he’s the one that roll the spliffs in the corner
on top of a Stevie Wonder album cover.
And the party’s poppin’ ’cause of him.
This is Jesus at the party rollin’ the joints.
Who is it?
It’s Jimmy Mack.
Let him in. He cool. That’s my man. Let him in.
Who is it now?
It’s Tracy Morgan.
Nah, don’t let that nigga in. He’s crazy.
Send him back down.
Jesus!
Turn that shit down now!
That’s my pops.
Put on something mellow.
My name is Tracy Morgan. I love you. Peace. I’m out.